Communication Tips

Basic Communication Guidelines
NAMI Family to Family Education Program

1. Use short, clear direct sentences. Long, involved explanations are difficult for people with mental illness to handle. They will tune you out.

2. Keep the content of communication simple. Cover only one topic at a time; give only one direction at a time. Be as concrete as possible.

3. Do what you can to keep the “stimulation level” as low as possible. A loud voice, an insistant manner, making accusations and criticisms are painfully defeating for anyone who has suffered a mental breakdown.

4. If your partner appears withdrawn and uncommunicative, back off for a while. Your communication will have a better chance of getting a desired response when your relative is calmer and in better contact.

5. Assume that a good deal of everything you say will “fall through the cracks.” You will often have to repeat instructions and directions.

6. And partner will not as readily misinterptret it.
Communications are our “boundries” in dealing with others. Make sure your boundries are sturdy and clear.

“I” Statements vs. “You” Statements

People coping with mental illness are often intensely self-involved and distracted. Many times they are not remotely aware of our feelings and responses. “I” statements get their attention.

“I” statements announce that we have strong feelings. If our patner is clear that we are angry or upset, they will realize they have “hit our limit.” Broadcasting our limits calmly and firmly signals them that they need to back down. It’s easier to reach an agreement when your partner hears exactly how you feel. “I” statements do this job.

“I” statements also communicate that you are ready to take the initiative, to bring the issues out into the open, to stand your ground.

“You” statements sound like you are pointing a finger at the other person, accusing and blaming. Your message will not get across if your relative is placed in a defensive position.

“I” statements are useful when you want to express negative feelings, make a request, and give positive feedback.

“When you pace in the front yard I get uncomfortable. I would feel better if you would not do that any more.”

“I want you to wash your dishes. I feel releaived to know the kitchen will be clean when I get home from work.”

“I like your hair pulled back. I am happy when I see you taking care of yourself.”

Reflective Responses

With reflective responses you are staying with the feelings that have been communicated. This means you are going to listen for the emotional content of what you are hearing rather than getting upset about the words that are spoken. You are reflecting on the essential part of your partner’s communication.

Airport Metaphor: Whatever runway your partner “takes off” on, you come in on the same runway. You do not land on another runway.

“My food is poisoned.” “It must be frightening to think someone is trying to hurt you.”
“I’m never coming back.” “It must seem like getting out of here is sometimes the only thing to do.”

John Gottman’s Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

CRITICISM CONTEMPT DEFENSIVENESS STONEWALLING

These are four unhealthy ways we sometimes communicate with others. When we can learn to recognize that we are responding to our partener in such ways we can begin to retrain the way we communicate with eachother.

John Gottman’s Stress-Reduncing Conversation

1. At the end of the day take turns talking about the day while the other just listens.
2. Don’t give unsolicited advice.
3. Show genuine interest.
4. Communicate your understanding.
5. Take your part partner’s side.
6. Express a “we against others” attitude.
7. Express affection.
8. Validate emotions.

RELATE

RELATE was developed by the Marriage Study Consortium at Brigham Young University. Founded in 1979, the Marriage Study Consortium is a non-profit organization with the specific tasks of developing research and outreach tools that can be used directly with the public and that can be used to gather information about relationships. The consortium consists of a group of scholars, researchers, family life educators, and counselors from varied religious and educational backgrounds who are dedicated to strengthening and understanding premarital and marital relationships. RELATE is the most comprehensive premarital/marital assessment available. The first version of this instrument was developed by Wesley R. Burr and was called Marital Inventories (1980).We are only using and focusing on a small portion of the assessment dealing with communication.
For more information or to take the entire assessment as a couple, go to

www.relate-institute.org

There is a $40 fee to take the entire assessment, but the results are the most accurate gauge of your marital satisfaction.The following are questions we are considering for this program dealing with communication:

The responses you'll want to consider when asking how true these statements are for you and also for your spouse, consider the following responses:
Very often for me, Often for me, Sometimes for me, not very often of me, or not all for me:

Empathy
In most matters, I understand what my partner is trying to say.
I understand my partner's feelings.
I am able to listen to my partner in an understanding way.

Love
I include my partner in my life.
I find my partner physically attractive.
I admire my partner.
I show a lot of love toward my partner.
I find my partner to be very intelligent
My partner and I share many of the same interests and hobbies
I find my partner’s values to be very appealing

Clear Sending
When I talk to my partner I can say what I want in a clear manner
I struggle to find words to express myself to my partner
I sit down with my partner and just talk things over
I talk over pleasant things that happen during the day when I am with my partner.
I discuss my personal problems with my partner.

Soothing
When I am in an argument, I recognize when I am overwhelmed and then make a deliberate effort to calm myself down.
While in an argument, I recognize when my partner is overwhelmed and then make a deliberate effort to calm him/her down.
I've found that during an intense argument it is better to take a break, calm down, and then return to discuss it later.

Noncritical
I don't censor my complaints at all. I really let my partner have it full force
I use a tactless choice of words when I complain.
There's no stopping me once I get started complaining.

Respect
I have no respect for my partner when we are discussing an issue.
When I get upset I can see glaring faults in my partner's personality.
When my partner complains, I feel that I have to "ward off" these attacks.
I feel unfairly attacked when my partner is being negative.

Non-Withdrawal
When we get in an argument I find I want to ignore my partner.
I have been withdrawing more and more from the relationship.
I don’t feel like I have the energy to keep fighting for this relationship.
I don’t want to respond at all to my partner when we argue.

Not Overwhelmed
Whenever I have a conflict with my partner, I feel physically tense and anxious, and I don't think clearly.
I feel physically tired or drained after I have an argument with my partner.
Whenever we have a conflict, the feelings I have are overwhelming.